What no one tells you about burnout when loving someone with addiction

Addiction acts as a wrecking ball not only for the life of the person struggling but to their entire family unit. Author David Sheff summed up the experience in his memoir “Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction”: “Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself.”

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), family support can play a large role in the recovery of someone struggling with addiction; however, as a loved one, it’s often challenging to know how to provide that support in a healthy way without burning out or losing one’s self.

American Addiction Centers laid out what families dealing with addiction should know.

Loved Ones Can’t ‘Fix It’

There’s a real allure for families in the belief that they can “fix” their loved one’s addiction. Unfortunately, that’s not reality, and operating under that belief can cause families to live with a great amount of shame, frustration, and burnout.

Philip Van Guilder, Director of Community Affairs for American Addiction Centers, is a father who has been in recovery for more than two decades. He recalled his reaction to finding out his own child was addicted to drugs. “I believed that my experience [with addiction] would prepare me for anything … I thought I alone could fix it. With the best tools, the right words, and enough love, I convinced myself I could make it all go away.”

Van Guilder went on to recall the cycle of hope and heartbreak that so families know all too well. “For a while I thought I did it. I got my daughter into treatment! My wife and I joined her in family sessions. She told us she’d changed. When she begged to come home early, we relented. And then she came home and went right back to using.”

Unfortunately, this experience is very common. Many people require multiple attempts before achieving lasting recovery (on average about five), and many families live through this cycle over and over again. It often takes multiple cycles for loved ones to accept that they cannot control their loved one’s journey, and that their loved one’s recovery is their own responsibility.

Al-Anon, an organization created for the support of those navigating a loved one’s alcohol addiction, recognizes the strong temptation among loved ones to both blame themselves and also “fix” the addiction. In response, they created the “Three C’s of Al-Anon”: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.”

These concepts can be tough to swallow initially. But letting go of the delusion that one can love someone else out of addiction or control their recovery can bring families a certain sense of peace, or at least an understanding of an important truth: Families can love and support their addicted loved one and remove obstacles to getting help, but in the end, their loved one has to make the commitment and do the work.

Burnout Thrives in Isolation

The burnout that comes from loving someone with addiction differs from normal stress that peaks and resolves in that it feels never-ending. Research shows that caregivers of those experiencing addiction often suffer from psychological distress and feelings of helplessness and are at risk of anxiety, depression and trauma.

Distress felt by families is often worsened by the weight they tend to put on every action they take and word they say, wondering, “Will this upset my loved one? Did I say too much? Not enough?” They rehearse conversations in their head and replay them on a loop afterward.

Meanwhile, many lose their sense of safety. Every unanswered text and late-night call sends their mind racing toward worst-case scenarios like overdose.

To top it off, shame commonly starts to erode family members’ desire to open up to and connect with others. Secrecy feels safer than honesty, but there’s a cost attached: deeper isolation and increased burnout.

In its Booklet for Families, SAMHSA encourages families to seek connection and support for themselves, whether by opening up to close friends and family members, seeking support from a church or other spiritual organization, or by attending groups for families and loved ones like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.

While loved ones may feel alone, or that their experience is unique, addiction affects millions of families across the U.S. In fact, two-thirds of adults in the U.S. report having personal experience with addiction (either experiencing it themselves or having a family member with a substance use disorder). There are people everywhere with similar stories and experiences waiting to offer their support.

In some cases, more significant support may be required. The National Institute on Aging recommends seeking professional mental health care for symptoms of anxiety or depression. 

Blaming Yourself Won’t Help Them Heal

Self-blame is all too common for families of those experiencing addiction, especially parents. Unanswerable questions are ruminated over. “What did we do wrong? What could we have done to prevent this?” Those questions don’t help. They only hurt.

Therapy and support groups can help families resolve self-blame and learn to relinquish the illusion of control over their loved one’s addiction. Letting go of the responsibility means acknowledging one’s role as a support and not a puppet master. It doesn’t mean that a family member stops caring about their loved one but rather they stop letting their loved one’s disease destroy their own life in the process.

Helping Can Hurt

Many parents have to learn over time that what seems like helping can actually hurt.

In his appearance on the recovery podcast “Addiction Talk,” Art Dielhenn, former Hollywood director and author of “Addiction Is a Family Disease,” described his experiences as a parent learning to set boundaries with his addicted daughter, saying “I believe that I was codependent because I was afraid of being abandoned; I was afraid of losing love; I was afraid of saying no.”

Boundaries are not about punishment, and implementing them doesn’t mean rejecting a loved one. Boundaries are necessary for survival, safety, and honesty. Without them, everyone gets sicker.

SAMHSA encourages families to educate themselves about the disease of addiction while also holding loved ones accountable, stating in its Booklet for Families: “Your loved one is not at fault for having a disease, but he or she is responsible for getting treatment.”

Navigating addiction is impossibly hard and, at times, extremely demoralizing. But there is hope. Recovery is possible, but it’s not always a straight line.

During the darkest times when conflict seems endless, families should try to hold onto hope for the future of their relationships. In ”Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America’s Greatest Tragedy”, his follow-up to “Beautiful Boy”, David Sheff proposes that healing is possible for families: “It’s often possible for people who’ve never had meaningful relationships because of their addictions… to develop ones that are deep, trusting, and nurturing.”