How To Deal With an Addicted Spouse

How Substance Use Affects Relationships & Marriage

Alcohol and drugs can impair judgment, arouse feelings of anger and resentment, and create an atmosphere that leads to conflict at home. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy describes a cycle of conflict that occurs in domestic partnerships, in which substance use leads to verbal and physical conflict, which in turn leads to further disagreements about the substance use itself.

Other concerns that can occur for many couples affected by substance use include:²

• Financial difficulties.
• Legal conflicts over child custody, drunk driving, or illicit drug use.
• Verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.

Any experiences of abuse or potential signs of abuse must be taken very seriously in recovery. Individuals who have verbally abused or physically attacked their partners will require anger management courses and may face legal consequences, depending on the severity of the assault.

Anyone who feels that they are in danger because of an abusive partner should seek help immediately from legal authorities, a healthcare provider, or a substance use treatment professional. Online resources and support services on partner abuse are available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Drug & Alcohol Use Statistics

Drug and alcohol use affects millions of people each year. The results of the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) provide the following data on drug and alcohol use:³

• In 2023, 134.7 million people aged 12 and older, reported that they currently consumed alcohol.
• Almost half of people who currently drink alcohol–61.4 million–reported binge drinking in the past month.
• Marijuana use has steadily increased. In 2023, 61.8 million people reported that they currently used cannabis products.
• In 2023, 8.9 million people misused opioids in the past year.
• 30.5 million people surveyed believed that they had a substance use problem.

Many of these adults are involved in some type of cohabiting relationship, and these partners are feeling the painful repercussions of alcohol or drug use. Whether this relationship involves marriage, a domestic partnership, or a more informal living arrangement, substance use and misuse affects everyone in the home, not just the individual who is addicted. Effective therapeutic interventions involve both partners as well as their children.

What Is Enabling?

Enabling occurs when one partner, usually without conscious intention, makes it possible for the other to continue drinking or using drugs without having to face real consequences.

Examples of enabling behavior fall into several different categories, and might include:

• Financially supporting a partner.
• Bailing them out of jail, paying their tickets, or paying for other legal services.
• Using substances with your partner.
• Making excuses for your partner’s drug use or drinking.
• Hiding or lying about your loved one’s substance use.
• Allowing drugs or alcohol in the house.

How Can I Support My Partner Without Enabling?

Offering support to an addicted partner can take a tremendous toll on your physical energy and emotional health. On top of this, the needs of the rest of the family, such as children and aging parents, and the demands of work and social commitments can quickly become overwhelming.

If you find yourself lying, making excuses, or creating explanations for a partner that allows them to remain in denial, you are probably enabling rather than supporting.

Codependency is when a loved one is depended on another in a partnership. If a couple is living with a substance addiction, codependent partners can end up enabling. In some cases, the codependent loses their sense of self in the overwhelming effort to “save” the partner from addiction; however, when that partner gets close to recovery, the codependent may undermine the process in order to retain feelings of power or self-esteem.

Partners and Spouses Ask Yourself…

• Am I setting healthy boundaries for myself?
• Am I letting the people in my life take responsibility for themselves?
• Am I seeking help from professionals outside the home?
• Am I giving myself time for my own stress management activities?
• Am I making time for my own recovery activities?

Can I Force My Spouse Into Rehab?

Some loved ones may ask themselves whether they can legally force their spouse into a rehab program. Some states have enacted involuntary commitment laws where certain criteria must be met in order to send someone to rehab involuntarily. Criteria for forcing someone into rehab may include: determining they are a threat to themselves or others, that an addiction has rendered them disabled, that the person lacks the ability to make decisions, and other potential criteria.

Other Treatment Options

Supported by research, the benefits of a couple working together during rehab and aid in successful recovery from addiction. Behavioral couples therapy (BCT), helps to strengthen relationship that will promote and support abstinence, people in healthier relationships may experience lower risk of relapse.⁴

Couples can attend the same rehab program. Many treatment centers and facilities offer treatment for couples who have a strong relationship and are equally committed to recovery.

What Is Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT)?

According to the journal Science & Practice Perspectives, therapies that focus on treating both members of a couple have a higher success rate at maintaining long-term abstinence than therapies that address only the individual with the substance use disorder.⁴

Behavioral Couples Therapy, or BCT, has evolved as an approach to treating addiction within a cohabiting partnership. BCT, which is typically offered to committed couples who have a strong emotional investment in improving their relationship, helps partners address the dysfunctional patterns that sustain addiction.

The therapeutic goals of BCT include enhancing relationship function and promoting recovery through the following steps:

• Improving problem-solving skills.
• Improving communication skills.
• Increasing caring behaviors.
• Developing a program for treatment and recovery.
• Creating a recovery contract.
• Supporting self-help in both partners.

BCT can be applied as part of an inpatient substance use treatment program or through outpatient therapy sessions. The core strategies of BCT have been applied through other therapeutic approaches to provide similar benefits.

How to Support a Spouse in Recovery

When a partner or spouse comes home from rehab, it is probably unrealistic to expect that they will find a completely “addict-proof” environment. Even if all traces of alcohol, illicit drugs, or potentially addictive prescription medications are removed from the house, images of alcohol or drug use in magazines, TV shows, or movies can trigger cravings.

Friends may inadvertently appear at the house with beer or wine, unaware that someone in the home has just completed treatment. Most significantly, the partner of the recovering addict may not be ready to give up alcohol or drugs. Partners of individuals in recovery must be very honest with themselves and with their partner about their readiness to join them in sobriety.

The following checklist can be used as a guide to creating a home that supports long-term recovery after rehab:

Finding Help & Addressing Addiction and Relationships in Recovery

If you or your partner are struggling with addiction, there is effective help available to get you on the road to recovery and back to living a rewarding life in recovery. At American Addiction Centers, we use evidence-based addiction-focused healthcare to help people find recovery and rebuild healthy and fulfilling relationships. At our Etta, MS facility, Oxford Treatment Center, we offer a specialized couples rehab program to help partners struggling with addiction recover together.

To learn more about your treatment options, call our compassionate and knowledgeable admissions navigators. You can also confidentially verify your insurance coverage online. Remember, recovery is not just a possibility, it’s a reality for many. So, get started today and be one of those success stories.

Resources for Partners and Spouses

Support groups can be a critical source of emotional strength for the spouse of a person in recovery. By connecting with other individuals who have gone through the same experiences, partners can learn new coping strategies and acquire a sense of hope for the future.

You can find support groups, such as 12 step programs, in your local area and communities. These programs can focus on helping individuals and couples share their experiences with substances, support each other with struggles to stay sober, and can provide companionship during stressful times. Other resources for partners and spouses include:

• Al-Anon:  This 12-Step group is open to spouses, partners, parents, children, friends, and other individuals who have been affected by the disease of addiction.
• Couple Recovery from Addiction: Based on a recovery philosophy known as CARE (Couples Addiction Recovery Empowerment), this support organization provides a holistic model for couples seeking to overcome the damage and dysfunction caused by addiction.
• Nar-Anon: Nar-Anon is a sister program to Al-Anon, with a focus on individuals affected by narcotic use.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: This online collection of informational materials and resources was developed to empower the victims and survivors of domestic abuse. The telephone hotline provides immediate access to support services and crisis intervention: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
• Recovering Couples Anonymous: This organization is not affiliated with Alcoholics Anonymous. The goal of this fellowship is to create committed, lasting relationships through the shared experience, strength, and hope of members.
• SMART Recovery Family & Friends: A nonreligious alternative to Al-Anon, Family & Friends is a group within the SMART Recovery system that supports the loved ones of individuals in recovery.
• Substance Abuse and Intimate Relationships: This informative article from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy provides an overview of the effects of addiction on marriages and other intimate partnerships.
• VAWnet: The National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: Created in 1995 by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, this online network provides educational materials and resources on domestic abuse against women and gender-based violence.