Alcohol Addiction: Is It Mind or Matter?
I used to think that people beyond my close circle were really paying attention to my “epic” struggle to quit drinking. In my alcohol-fueled self-importance, I imagined that my mere existence was a major concern for everyone. The truth was, my drinking habits were as unimportant to my acquaintances as theirs were to me.
Fortunately, by the time I realized that I wasn’t the center of the world, I had grown comfortable with myself, my sobriety, and my purpose. They say alcoholic thinking involves grandiosity, and I was definitely guilty of that. I still wonder, though, what came first: the alcohol, or the alcoholic thinking?
One Drink is Too Many and a Thousand is Not Enough
Captain Michael Morse, retired, Providence Fire Department
But I suppose whether or not drinking made me think like someone with a substance use disorder or if I already thought that way doesn’t really matter.
What I’ve learned is that my sobriety depends entirely on my own thinking, not on what others think of me. This realization has helped me navigate the difficult journey I’m on.
It would be easy to keep drinking, to keep believing my drinking was significant, and to avoid facing the reality that I needed to live without chemical enhancement to live my best life. The harder path is the clear one, without the deceptive comfort that alcohol offers.
I still encounter people who are surprised by my sobriety: “You don’t drink?” “Nope, quit years ago.” “Really? Did you have to, or did you want to?” That’s a loaded question. I definitely wanted to drink. Not drinking? That was more complex. I desperately wanted to avoid drinking to excess, yet almost every time I drank, I drank too much.
As they say, “One is too many and a thousand is not enough.”
For me and others like me, the problem is that the first drink inevitably leads to the second, the second to the third, and so on, into an alcoholic abyss. The key, I discovered, was teaching myself to not want that first drink.
For far too long, I tried to white-knuckle my way through, simply willing myself to avoid that first drink. I felt deprived, left out, inadequate, and alone. I wasn’t passing on the drink because I wanted to; I was passing because I had to. The potential losses far outweighed any perceived gain from drinking. I was at war with myself over something ultimately so unworthy of the fight.
I don’t drink. It’s that simple. All the reasons I concocted to justify delaying the inevitable were ridiculous:
- “I deserve it.”
- “My friends prefer me drunk.”
- “I deserve it.”
- “I’ll be bored sober.”
- “I deserve it.”
- “My family is more entertaining when I drink.”
- “I deserve it.”
- “Life is better under the influence.”
- And finally, “I deserve it!”
Sobriety Has Helped Me Live My Best Life
The real reason I continued a destructive behavior was that I’d convinced myself I was entitled to it. Clarity has given me a new perspective: I deserve the opportunity to live fully aware, free from the fog of numbness, and to experience my best physical, mental, and emotional state. That “best” is impossible while drinking, anticipating drinking, or regretting drinking. Now, I simply don’t have the desire to drink.
One of the greatest gifts of sobriety is the ability to fully experience the present moment. The present truly is a gift, and being sober to unwrap it each day feels more rewarding than any alcoholic drink I can imagine.
If You’re Struggling Reach Out
Addiction lies. It tells us that we’re hopeless, helpless, and there’s nothing we can do to fix our lives or our relationships. But the fact is there is hope because there is effective help out there.
If you’re struggling, reach out to us at . We don’t just treat addiction; many of us are in recovery and know first-hand what it takes to walk the path of recovery. Our navigators are on hand to listen to your story, go over your options, and help you begin your recovery journey. Recovery is possible and we’re here to support you every step of the way.
This post was written by Captain Michael Morse (Retired).
