12 Questions About the 12-Steps: Do I have to talk?
If you go to a 12-Step meeting, do you have to talk? The short answer is no.
You will never be forced to share. If you are asked, you can decline. Not sharing at your first (or first few) meetings is fine and normal! It gives you time to feel comfortable and get acquainted with how the meeting flows. You are free to wait until the time feels right for you.
Active Listening
Listening is just as important as talking in a 12-Step meeting. If you are going to your first 12-Step meeting, you may not have been living a sober lifestyle for very long. Listen and learn from longtime members who have had more experience with living sober. Recovery is ongoing, and you may continue to encounter new challenges as time passes. Learn from other speakers what to expect or how to work through the steps. Gain perspective and new insight from AA veterans.
A good way to practice active listening is by following meeting etiquette.
Although AA meetings do not have many written rules, it is of course good to be polite and respectful of other members and the process.
Meeting Etiquette
- Be on time to the meeting!
- No cell phones. Turn your cell phone to silent, and put it away. Even if it’s on silent, do not scroll though apps or text during the meeting.
- Use the bathroom or get water or coffee before the meeting starts so you don’t have to get up while someone is speaking. (If you must get up, try to wait for a pause between speakers.)
- Do not interrupt or talk while others are sharing.
- Never discuss things shared in AA outside of AA. Respect other members’ anonymity.
- Be honest.
- Follow the meeting’s procedure for sharing such as raising your hand or waiting for your turn.
- Try to only talk about yourself. Don’t criticize others or talk about others’ experiences unless asked. Share your own experiences.
- Stay on topic. Many meetings will have a topic such as discussing a specific step. If the meeting has a topic, try to stick to it if you do share.
- Remember the time constraints. Try to stick to the point you want to make or the specific story you want to share instead of adding unnecessary detail or backstory.
- Don’t use crude language.
Why are you hesitant to share?
After a few meetings, if you are still too worried to share with the group, ask yourself why.
Are you concerned about confidentiality? All members of AA should respect your anonymity, and you should respect theirs. It only works if everyone follows this rule. If you are still not comfortable, you don’t have to speak in specifics when you share. Don’t use names or identifying features.
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