How to Stop Enabling Your Loved One’s Addictions
What is Enabling?
Enabling is defined as the process by which a person contributes to the self-destructive or compulsive behavior of another person.1 Instead of helping someone who is struggling with addiction, an enabler may find themselves inadvertently promoting or permitting their loved one’s continued substance misuse.1 For instance, helping a person with an alcohol use disorder may involve you setting clear boundaries and following through on them, such as not allowing them to stay in your home if they drink or bring in alcohol. On the other hand, enabling may consist of you purchasing your loved one’s drug of choice for them or even using it with them, making excuses for their addictive behaviors, and more.2
Signs You Are Enabling Addiction
Enabling behaviors may fall into several categories.3
Denial and Acceptance
Some of the signs that you are enabling your loved one’s addiction through denial and acceptance may include:3,4
- Accepting blame for their alcohol or drug use or minimizing their addiction.
- Denial, such as assuming that your loved one can control their addiction or accepting blame for their alcohol or drug use.
- Minimizing or ignoring the extent of their alcohol or drug use.
Justification and Excusing Behavior
Some of the signs that you are enabling your loved one’s addiction through justification or excusing behaviors may include:3,4
- Justifying their alcohol or drug use despite the harmful consequences.
- Agreeing with or affirming their rationale when it comes to their addiction.
- Making excuses for them.
Caretaking and Overcompensation
Some of the signs that you are enabling your loved one’s addiction through caretaking and overcompensation may include:3,4
- Engaging in caretaking responsibilities due to their alcohol or drug use, such as caring for them, taking care of their children, or cleaning their home.
- Taking over your loved one’s responsibilities, such as childcare, bills, and other obligations.
- Using alcohol or drugs with them to monitor and limit their intake.
- Treating your loved one like a child and attempting to control the situation.
Avoidance
Some of the signs that you are enabling your loved one’s addiction through avoidance may include:3,4
- Using drugs or alcohol with your loved one to monitor their intake.
- Avoiding problems, such as not mentioning their alcohol or drug use to “keep the peace.”
Regardless of how the enabling manifests, anyone can find themselves falling into these behaviors, especially when there are feelings of guilt, fear, or even hope that they will eventually get better as long as you keep helping them. However, by identifying enabling behaviors, you will be able to better assist your loved ones’ recovery from drugs or alcohol.
Why Do We Enable Our Loved Ones?
People enable their loved ones for many reasons. If you are worried about your loved one using alcohol or drugs irresponsibly or engaging in addictive behaviors, you are not responsible for fixing them or saving them from the consequences of their substance misuse. However, certain necessary actions can help you preserve your mental health and protect your loved one (without enabling them).
Many families that are affected by substance misuse feel the need to maintain a sense of normalcy or homeostasis.4 Family members often behave as though things are normal to keep the family functioning as it usually does, and this may entail supporting their loved one’s substance misuse to avoid what they perceive as instability or imbalance.5 Unfortunately, this type of dynamic can result in the development of unhealthy patterns, rituals, relationships, and roles within families.4
Helping vs Enabling Your Loved One
What’s the difference? While the two concepts may seem similar, they are actually vastly different.
By definition, helping someone means giving them assistance to support or provide them with something that is useful or necessary in achieving an end goal or result.
Enabling, by comparison, means providing someone with a means or opportunity or making something possible or easy for them.
Thus, providing a loved one with a place to live after they complete a treatment program or watching their kids while they attend AA or NA meetings, for example, help them. Actions that are truly helpful promote healthy, substance-free, pro-social behaviors.
So when your loved one does something that you want them to repeat or continue, you want to give them positive reinforcement. For instance, if your loved one pays you back money they owe you or texts you when they’re going to be late, you want to recognize these behaviors. Anything you do to acknowledge these positive behaviors from them is a helpful action on your part.
Enabling, on the other hand, allows the bad behavior to continue. Maybe you call your loved one out sick from work because they are recovering from the effects of substance use, or you pay their rent because they used their money to buy drugs or alcohol. These “positive” things actually end up supporting continued negative behaviors.
How to Stop Enabling Someone with Addiction
If you are worried that you are enabling someone with addiction, you are not alone. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to stop enabling your loved one’s addiction; a few include:4,5
- Participating in individual and/or family therapy for addiction recovery.
- Encouraging your loved one to get inpatient or outpatient treatment. With the permission of your loved one, you can submit a rehab application on their behalf.
- Staging an intervention.
- Establishing healthy boundaries and upholding them.
Additionally, there are several resources available for you, including:6,7
- Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for family members and loved ones of people with an alcohol use disorder.
- Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), a fellowship for people in recovery from codependency.
- Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (ACA), a 12-Step program for people who grew up in families with addiction or other issues.
Enabling behaviors may appear to help your loved one at the moment, but they do not help in the long run. You may be hindering their recovery by continuing to contribute to their substance misuse, despite the harm it has on their lives as well as those closest to them.
Encouraging Them to Seek Help for Addiction
Talking to your loved one about their substance use can be difficult. You should approach them when they are not intoxicated or recovering from the effects of their substance use. Be compassionate and avoid stigmatizing language, blaming them, or being judgmental.
If you would like help finding a recovery program for your loved one, American Addiction Centers (AAC) is here to help. You can call to connect with a knowledgeable admissions navigator, who can answer your questions, explain the options, and even verify your loved one’s insurance if you have their information.
However, while you can begin the process for them, your loved one needs to make the decision to get help. If they aren’t ready to talk to an admissions navigator, they can start by texting.
