Children of Alcoholics: The Impacts of Alcoholics on Kids

Surviving a chaotic, dysfunctional environment as a child, or growing up in an alcoholic home can lead to the development of certain maladaptive characteristics. These maladaptations can lead to issues in relationships and negatively affect your psychological wellbeing.¹

This guide will help you understand the impact that alcohol abuse may have on families and children. It will also assist you in learning what children of alcoholics can do to protect themselves, how to recover from the effects of growing up with an alcoholic family member, and how to encourage your alcoholic parent to get help.

An Overview of The Alcoholic Home

Growing up in an alcoholic home can be unpredictable. A parent’s problematic drinking behavior can have a gradual or cumulative impact on a child’s development. While each family touched by alcohol abuse is unique, one clinician asserts that there are certain ‘rules’ of behavior and beliefs that members in alcoholic homes may adhere to.²

Families containing one or multiple alcoholic members may display certain behaviors and patterns, which can be transmitted to children in various spoken and unspoken ways. Again, though each family is somewhat unique, you may recognize some of these “rules” of an alcoholic home in your own life, including:²

The limits and restrictions that were placed on you may have caused you to adapt in ways that felt necessary to ensure your survival and safety. As a child, you didn’t have an option to make a different choice because you weren’t developmentally able to do so. You were not given the chance to learn healthier behavior patterns as you were growing up, and this can ultimately harm your mental health.

Codependency in Alcoholic Families

Codependency is common in people who grow up with addicted family members or in families who experience dysfunction for other reasons.³ Codependency refers to when a person has developed unhealthy behaviors and coping skills in response to the mental effects of alcoholism and the pain of living with an alcoholic (or a person with a different type of dysfunctional behavior).³ Common codependent behaviors and traits include caretaking, enmeshment (meaning there aren’t clear boundaries in your relationship), the lack of a coherent identity, difficulty in recognizing what constitutes normal behavior in others, and excessive denial of the problem.^3,4

A codependent person is often under the illusion that they are aiding the alcoholic through their “helping” behaviors, but they are usually only perpetuating the addiction. An example of caretaking behavior might be calling in sick for your alcoholic spouse. You may think you’re helping, but it actually only exacerbates the problem because the person doesn’t have to take responsibility for their behavior and so they don’t have to change. Another common issue is problems with setting boundaries with an alcoholic parent; you may find it hard to say no or feel like you have to help them anytime they ask, regardless of the impact it has on your life.

What Are Common Characteristics of Children of Alcoholics?

Your family dynamic may have caused you to develop certain traits or adopt a particular role to survive your childhood familial situation. Past researchers have written about stereotypic roles that children may unconsciously assume within an alcoholic family structure—including becoming a scapegoat, a rescuer, a hero, or a caregiver. These theoretical roles, though not universally supported in the research, illustrate the potentially diverse developmental paths (and sometimes detrimental ones) that children may follow in response to the pressures and complexities of an alcoholic home environment.¹

For example, children of alcoholics that adopt personality traits akin to the stereotyped “rescuer” role may often feel the need to step in during times of crisis in their family and “fix” things. Similarly, a child of an alcoholic classified as a “caregiver” needs to make sure the parent’s needs are met, and the scapegoat takes the blame for anything that goes wrong (and which is usually not their fault). It’s crucial to understand that these roles serve as simplifying expressions, and children can exhibit a variety of these signs.

One of the most common traits of children of alcoholic parents is a sense of hyper-responsibility, which means feeling responsible for things beyond your control, such as your parent’s happiness or drinking habits. Hyper-responsibility may develop especially if your other parent did not assume the role of adult caretaker in your family. On the other hand, others may develop a lack of responsibility if they felt that everything they tried within their family was ineffective at getting their needs met or changing their circumstances, leading to feelings of personal deficiency and a “what’s the point?” mentality.

Children of alcoholics often have limited resources and are not taught proper ways of dealing with stressors. They are commonly left to their own devices, which can lead some to develop a sense of being a “parentified” child. This can be problematic as the child is only equipped to function at their developmental level; it shouldn’t be the child’s job to also be the parent.⁵

You didn’t have a choice about these issues as a child, but it’s important to realize that as an adult, you can now learn new behaviors and choose differently.

The Mental Impacts of Growing up as the Child of an Alcoholic

The potential unpredictability and inadequate emotional support associated with growing up in an alcoholic home can lead to a child having difficulty identifying and expressing emotions.¹

An alcoholic home can undermine a child’s ability to develop proper adaptive behaviors that can help them deal with stress later on in life. Research has shown that adult children of alcoholics often report higher levels of stress and tend to have a more difficult time coping with stress; they may have be more dysfunctional than children who did not grow up in alcoholic households.¹

One of the most important indicators of good mental health and coping skills later on in life is a child’s attachment pattern to their parents when they are younger. One study found that children with alcoholic parents displayed more anxious and less secure attachment to their parents and had fewer feelings of hope than children of non-alcoholic parents.⁴

Research has also shown that children of alcoholics tend to experience higher rates of emotional problems and increased disruptive behaviors and hyperactivity in childhood, emotional problems and conduct problems as teenagers, and may have an increased risk for the development of alcoholism in adulthood.⁵

The mental impact of growing up in an alcoholic household often persists into adulthood and can lead to many different maladaptive behaviors that can have a significant impact on your ability to connect with others and have close, trusting relationships. For example, children of alcoholics’ relationship issues often include codependency, a concept used to describe dysfunctional interpersonal relationships that may include traits such as denial and compulsive caretaking.⁵

They may feel uncomfortable when relationships are going well—even though this seems counterintuitive, this is the dynamic that they experienced as children; people tend to recreate their childhood dynamics in their adult relationships because this is what is familiar to them.¹

By the nature of their problem, alcoholic parents become so absorbed in continuing their behavior that important milestones (e.g., birthdays, school and sports events, etc.) are often forgotten. By experience and observation, their children learn that they cannot have faith or trust in anyone, least of all their parents. Alcoholic behavior is painful (both physically and otherwise), and children are passively taught to bury whatever they are feeling, lest they incur the wrath of a drunk mother or father. In time, this means that the children are never given any freedom to express themselves, to develop healthy personalities and characteristics of their own.

Lastly, the constant denial not only means that the children are likely to remain silent about the alcoholism (and their feelings about it); it also means that they are unlikely to talk to their parents about anything important or trivial. Alcoholic parents are not capable of talking with their kids about making friends, how to solve homework problems, or how to make the right decisions.

Are Children of Alcoholics at Higher Risk for Violence, Self-Harm, and Sexual Promiscuity?

Not all children of recovering alcoholics develop the same behaviors and experience the same risks. However, some children adapt in other ways that may be seen as healthier or unhealthier, such as finding pseudo-support networks in school, athletics, and other areas. But the issue becomes that the child starts to live two different lives—one with the lack of emotional support and isolation of the dysfunctional family and one with their discovered support networks where they find temporary emotional support and connection. This can provide a fleeting, unstable, and inconsistent sense of self-worth.¹

Will Children of Alcoholics Also Develop Substance Use Disorders?

Just because your parent had an alcohol problem doesn’t mean that you are destined to develop one, too. However, alcoholism does run in families, and you should be aware that your risk may be 4 times that of a person who did not have a parent with an alcoholic parent.⁶

mothers appears to influence alcoholism mainly in daughters. Some research has also shown that people who come from alcoholic families may even have a higher risk of drug abuse, drug dependence, and tobacco dependence. Finally, limited research has also shown that children of alcoholics may have a higher risk of developing an antisocial personality disorder, which is itself associated with substance abuse problems, risky behavior, legal troubles, and other serious issues.⁵

Is Alcoholism Genetic?

If your parent struggled with alcohol addiction, you might be worried about whether you may also suffer from an alcohol use disorder in the future. Evidence indicates that alcohol and substance use disorders have a strong genetic component. However, while multiple genes play a role in addiction, they don’t necessarily tell the entire story. Research has shown that genetics accounts for roughly half of a person’s risk for alcoholism.^7,8

Developing an alcohol use disorder is a complex and multifaceted process that involves other factors aside from heredity. Some of these factors can include exposure to abuse as a child, marital problems, unemployment, low socioeconomic level, stress, and the presence of co-occurring disorders like depression or anxiety.^9,10

Does Childhood Trauma Increase the Likelihood of Alcohol Addiction in Adulthood?

Studies have shown that traumatic childhood experiences are closely linked with the development of mental health issues and alcohol dependence. People who have had early trauma may be more likely to abuse alcohol as a way of self-medicating their trauma-related symptoms or, even, as self-destructive behavior, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.^11,12

Explaining Alcoholism to a Child

It can be difficult to explain alcoholism to a child in a way that they will be able to understand. The conversation should be age-appropriate; explain things in a way the child can comprehend, but keep in mind that children often know, see, and understand more than you might think.¹³

Emphasize to the child that the parent’s happiness isn’t their responsibility or the parent’s mood swings aren’t their fault. Allow the child to ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can. Listen to and validate their feelings. It can be helpful to explain alcoholism as a sickness like other types of illnesses where a person needs to see a doctor to get better. Be on the lookout for signs that the child might need help, such as worsening grades, acting out behaviors, or being withdrawn.¹³

Healing from a Parent’s Alcohol Addiction

While you may have had a long and difficult journey, you should know that what happened to you as a child was not your fault. You were powerless to change the circumstances in your household and you did what you had to do to survive in a dysfunctional and unhealthy environment. You can work on overcoming those previously-mentioned characteristics you unknowingly developed as a child, such as conflict avoidance, perfectionism, hyper-vigilance, and escapism. Until now, you may not have even completely understood why you developed these traits. But it’s important to know that you cannot instantly undo the damage of your youth, and it will take patience and persistence to heal from the effects of your parent’s alcohol addiction.

Treatment will look different for every child of an alcoholic and can vary depending on your age and the particular traits you developed. The road to recovery is not easy, but you can learn better and more appropriate coping skills, cultivate healthier relationships, and develop an improved sense of self-worth and self-esteem, among other benefits. You should address these issues in a therapeutic environment with a practitioner who is skilled in treating children of alcoholics. In individual therapy, you may be encouraged to address your issues related to conflict, stress management, trust, and other traits you have developed. In family therapy, you may all need to take a hard look at specific issues like denial or directly address the alcohol abuse.¹⁴

How to Help Alcoholic Parent Seek Treatment

It is not a child’s responsibility to help their parent seek alcohol addiction treatment. However, rehabilitation centers across the U.S. are available for parents struggling with an alcohol use disorder and other co-occurring disorders. If you have questions or concerns about alcoholism treatment, you can call American Addiction Center’s free, confidential helpline to speak to a treatment advisor any time of day or night.

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  References

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  2. Ruben, D. H. (2001).
     Treating Adult Children of Alcoholics: A behavioral approach
  3. Widom, C. S., & Hiller-Sturmhöfel, S. (2001). Alcohol abuse as a risk factor for and consequence of child abuse. Alcohol Research & Health, 25(1), 52–57.
  4. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Children of Alcoholics.
  5. Hooper, L.M. (2017) Parentification. In: Levesque R. (eds) Encyclopedia of Adolescence. Springer: Cham, Switzerland.
  6. Rodgers, C. (2017). A Quantitative Comparison of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) and Non-ACOAs on Attachment.
  7. Edenberg, H. J., & Foroud, T. (2013). Genetics and alcoholism. Nature Reviews: Gastroenterology & Hepatology, 10(8), 487–494.
  8. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (2008). Genetics of Alcohol Use Disorder.
  9. UC Santa Cruz Counseling & Psychological Services. (2012). Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA).
  10. Cheng, A. T., Gau, S. F., Chen, T. H., Chang, J. C., & Chang, Y. T. (2004). A 4-year longitudinal study on risk factors for alcoholism. Archives of General Psychiatry, 61(2), 184–191.
  11. Hooper, L.M. (2017) Parentification. In: Levesque R. (eds) Encyclopedia of Adolescence. Springer: Cham, Switzerland.
  12. Rodgers, C. (2017). A Quantitative Comparison of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) and Non-ACOAs on Attachment.
  13. CAMH. (2021). When a Parent Drinks Too Much Alcohol.
  14. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Children of Alcoholics.